johnwsaunders

Christian Doctor

In the rest on March 20, 2013 at 11:12 pm

[‘Beat’ means like a pause, a second or so]

Patient is fine, but worried, doesn’t know what’s wrong.

Christian doctor is smiley, doesn’t look at patient in the face except to say religious stuff.

D: (walking around curtain) So… who have we got here? (leafing through clipboard)

P: It’s Paul (beat) Paul Adams?

D: Ah, Paul… (looks up wistfully)

Patient is non-plussed. Beat

D: And you have been in pain now for… (leafing again)

P: Well, I think it’s past the worst now… (slight grimace as he/she shifts in bed) but I suppose it started…

D: (interrupting) Not that it matters particularly. We’re all just visiting, eh? (looking P in the eye)

P: Yes, um…

D: You have a non-mortal, well, ha, I say non-mortal…

P: (interrupting) You mean… I could die…?!

D: (interrupting) No, (sing song) you’re not going to die. I just mean, you’re going to die, obviously (patient thinks he means because of the pain/disease) but not because of this. Probably.

It’s basically the kind of strife we’re destined to endure, another part of this fleeting experience we call life (smiling calmly)

Beat

You’re not from round here, are you?

P: No, um… I’m sorry, it’s a non-mortal form of what?

D: Is that Australia? Denmark? You’re hard to place!

P: I was a, I went to school over here, but yeah… Sorry, what is it that’s, you know… what have I got?

D: Sorry, sorry… Your tumourous region is…

P: I have a tumour ?!?

D: Sorry, ha, uh, no no, I mean your… your… when you eat, um… It’s your nether regions, not your nether regions, when your food is finished with…

P: My bowels?

D: No no… um…

P: My intestines?

D: Sort of… well, no…

D: When the uh, waste isn’t… when the waste is waiting…

P: My arse? Poo? What are you talking about?

D: It’s stuck.

Beat

P: Poo? (beat) My poo is stuck?

D: (silently agreeing with pursed lips)

Beat

P: Well what can I do? Is there a pill or something?

D: If I could just refer you to my colleague…

[INSERT SOMETHING FUNNY HERE]

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